Life, Gurgle, Gurgle

Overwhelmed.


You name it, it's overwhelming me.



I realize that I'm just going through feelings of inadequacy right now and I need to recognize them for what they are: changeable as the wind-- feelings.

Sometimes it feels the world is going to fly apart in a million pieces.

O.K. My world is already in a million pieces. A world where carpets are half torn out, cats are throwing up, toddlers are rebelling and husbands are as stubborn and strong minded as I am. But somehow, I juggle it and keep it all aloft. I'm successful at many things, but when I'm on the inside looking out, I feel it's all a mirage; a carefully crafted scene for the world (who is on the outside looking in) to see.

I wonder if a lot of people are that way; creating mirages so others think everything is hunky-dory. I especially wonder that on days when I want someone else's life. "They" obviously have it together. Bills paid, house organized, marriage blissful (always)... I create perfect little life scenes for them to escape my imperfections.

When I grow overwhelmed, my facade crumbles. I drive to work sitting up very straight as if by holding myself so, I can hold my world together. I overcompensate my loss of control (of things I have no control over in the first place) by becoming bossy and in charge in tiny things that don't really matter. I'm this way at work mostly, where: "I say who, I say when, I say how much."

I hate when I get like this. I, the eternal optimist. The one with the can-do philosophy. I think (truth be told) the reason I get so out of sorts when life piles up on top of me, is the fact that there is no quick fix. And I'm a fixer par excellence'. I love fixing whether it's a bad haircut, a leaky faucet or your life. I'm a fixer.

Fortunately, after a couple of days, my vision shifts again, I get a second wind and I find myself breathing more normally and realizing it will even out...eventually.

Bet You've Never Tried This!

So I go to the Farmer's Market Saturday.

Among the vegetable vendors I spy a couple selling boiled peanuts. MMMMmmm. I love me some good boiled peanuts! As I was talking to them, the gentleman said, "Here, try this cake here. I'm trying something new. It's called 'Collard Green cake'."

I was torn. I do like collard greens and I do like cake. I just never dreamed they would marry up together! Unfortunately, I'm unable to resist the words "cream cheese icing", so I had a piece.

It was green.

Not a natural green.

More of a light St. Patrick's Day Green. Icing and all.

At his urging to take a big 'ole slab, I took a small one.

I bit.

Tasted like cake. A dense cake. Not sweet, so the icing was a good touch. He wanted to know if it were marketable.

I told him as long as he didn't tell anyone it had collards in it, perhaps he could.

Collard Green Cake.

Coming to a bakery near you.

Can This Day Get Any Better?!

I just went to my favorite coffee place and discovered that my mega nonfat latte was free today!

Exercising--Redefined

Instead of going to Body Pump this morning, I'm testing the effectiveness of getting dressed in workout clothes and sitting at the computer investigating different styles of exercise.

Specifically, watching YouTube Pilate videos.

I call it vicarious exercise.

vi·car·i·ous
Pronunciation:
\vī-ˈker-ē-əs, və-\
Function:
adjective
Etymology:
Latin vicarius, from vicis change, alternation, stead — more at week
Date:
1637
1 a: serving instead of someone or something else b: that has been delegated
2: performed or suffered by one person as a substitute for another or to the benefit or advantage of another : substitutionary
3: experienced or realized through imaginative or sympathetic participation in the experience of another
4: occurring in an unexpected or abnormal part of the body instead of the usual one

Hey, I could start a new trend in exercising!

Who Knew?

Who knew six years ago that I would be wishing you a Happy Father's Day?

We had no idea what we were in for, we just knew we had been handed a gift beyond measure.

How things have changed!

I have grown to admire you so much as I've watched you grow to fill the role of Daddy. Nothing is more attractive to me than watching you as you tenderly love our daughter.

You are indeed, a good Daddy.

But it hasn't come easily, has it?

It has pulled and stretched us. Our relationship has been sorely tested. Being parents has brought to the fore aspects of us that I think we never realized were there. I've wondered, sometimes, if we would stand the strain.

Thank you for the sacrifices you have made to be a stay at home Daddy.

You've sacrificed your very manhood, unselfishly, in order to provide for our family on a higher, intangible level. I've watched you wrestle with the emotions that are a result of that, and all I can say is how grateful I am for you. For your passion and love for your two girls.

You are an incredible man.

I love you so much.

Growing Up

I never dreamed six years ago that I would be doing some of the things that I'm doing now.

Like signing up my first and only child for preschool.

Amazing.

How could my heart could become so enwebbed (is that a word?) in someone that I would be loath to share her with the world-- in any way shape or form?

When I look at my daughter, I see this child who is precious in her innocence. An innocence that I want to preserve all of her days. Impossible, I know, but still...

Until now, her exposure has been limited to the nucleus of the three of us predominately. Now, I must open up her world and allow others to influence and teach her. These are good things, I know, but in my selfishness, I want to keep her all to myself. She's too precious and special--will others know this? Will they protect her innocence as fiercely as I want to? Probably not and that's what scares me a little.

I know that when our children are born to us we are to begin letting go even as they are given to us. But how do I let go of someone who has become such a part of me?

It's bittersweet to watch her grow up. While I rejoice in each new ability she acquires and boast of her abilities, I also grieve over the fact that she loses a bit of her baby-ishness. That little chubby faced toddler, pointing and jabbering her own language. The baby who nestled at my breast her compact weight making a perfect bundle to snuggle.

All of these thoughts and emotions tumbled through my heart yesterday as I drove home.

Makes me think my girl isn't the only one growing up.

Streaming...

Nothing much going on around here to speak of.

I'm sure I'll stir up some trouble of some sort around the house this weekend.

The closet needs some serious attention and then vines have begun sneaking up some of the windows of the house.
Walls need to be finished painting after last weekend when I walked around, paint brush in hand looking for something to paint so I could use up the paint I'd poured out.

I ache to do something creative. Paint for personal pleasure; but the house is in too much disarray right now to even consider that. I will use that as my motivation...

Hubby brought the TV back in. I've not had a chance to even glance at it, but a good movie sounds good right about now.

Just planning on riding the stream of the weekend and see where it will carry me...