Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda

Yesterday.

I coulda cleaned bathrooms.

I shoulda swept the floor.

I woulda washed clothes.

I coulda cooked a meal.

I shoulda showered.

I woulda washed my hair.

But.

There was the Farmers Market. The Library.

There was art waiting to be created.

There were ideas flowing.

There was sunshine.

There were cats to be petted.

Clearly, something much more important came up.

Things That Make Me Say...Hmmm.

I don't think anything strikes terror in my heart quite like the words: "You are hereby summoned and commanded to lay all business aside and personally appear in the courtroom..."

Jury duty.

It's not that I don't want to perform my civic responsibility. I think I would find it a fascinating experience, especially given all the mystery novels I enjoy. I'd like to see the real deal.

Because I am the sole income provider right now and it would cause financial hardship,( I have to be physically doing hair to make any money) I trotted over to the clerk of the court to fill out an excuse form.

As the day loomed and I hadn't heard any response to my request, I began to wonder if it was my responsibility to search out that information.

Enter one of my clients.

It so happens that she is a retired judge. I'm not one to curry favor and try to play my connections to avoid responsibility, but I asked her if she knew the answer to my question.
"Would the clerk get in touch with me or did I need to call them?" Judge asked me a few questions and took it upon herself to call, then reported to me that because I had a child 5 or under, I automatically was excused.

Didn't mean for sister to bail me out of jury duty, but who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?

Yesterday found me "up to here" with life. I felt seriously overwhelmed and was hatching a plan to hide for the weekend.

Then I checked my messages.

"YOU ARE TO REPORT FOR JURY DUTY IN THE MORNING." She stated it twice in case I couldn't believe my ears. She was right. I couldn't.

I went into frantic panic mode. What if they select me? What if I'm out of work for a whole week? How am I going to pay the bills?

Fearless. Fear. Less.

Verses I've recently been meditating on came to mind and I took it upon myself to remind God about them.

YOU said..."Aren't two sparrows sold for only a penny? but your Father knows when any one of them falls to the ground. Even the hairs on your head are counted. So don't be afraid! You are worth much more than many sparrows. (Matthew 10:29-31 emphasis mine.) AND: "I tell you not to worry about everyday life - whether you have enough." (Matthew 6:25)

I chose to trust.

I showed up for jury duty.

I stood in line.

I practiced not fretting.

I forgot and fretted.

I presented my papers.

The clerk was quizzical.

"You're not on the list."

Hmmm.

Now why did I get that phone call? Was it just an honest mistake? They meant to call someone else and dialed my number instead? Or did God orchestrate that to teach me a valuable lesson?

I don't know the answer to that. I do know that it is not up to me to provide for my needs. I forget that and try to take care of everything by working hard and fretting over stuff.

It's times like this that make me remember...

I have a Heavenly Father who has it well in hand.

Torn

I'm dithering around in my thoughts today.

On the one hand, I'm super stoked that we have a solid lead on a new(er) vehicle. Because a friend of mine is purchasing it through his dealership at auction, there's the whole "I know what I'm getting, but not the complete specifics". I do love a surprise, so while I know important things like the color and body style and a few other specifics, there is a little mystery left. Makes it feel very Christmasy!

On the other hand, I find myself aggravated at the inconvenience of having one computer. My hubby predominantly uses this computer and while I strive to get up early and do my computer "work", I find him messing up my carefully crafted schedule by arising earlier than expected. This morning the cordless mouse decided it was out of battery juice and many minutes were spent trying to run batteries to earth. Then in the middle of my typing, he wants to open a new window to share with me some music. Bless him.

I have a problem with flexibility. Besides the fact that I can't do a split, my heart chafes at accommodating plans other than the one chiseled on my mind of stone.

I wish I could pull an applicable biblical lesson out of this and tie it up into a pretty package, but I'm to busy wrestling with my thoughts and feelings. I'm fighting to remain gracious and thankful for the fact that (a) we have a spare computer, thus continuing to feed my internet addiction, (b) it was my dear hubby who ultimately unearthed those pesky batteries and as a gesture of love pulled up my email page so I was ready to go. (c) while I've been in here furiously (in the literal sense of the word) typing, he's been in the kitchen loading the dishwasher.

I know, I know.

What do I have to whine about?

Shhhh....

I wonder what it would be like to go an entire day without talking to someone. I think I'm envisioning a day at home ALONE. Although, these days it's possible to go shopping and never speak to a soul since salespeople and cashiers can be anti-social occasionally.

Yesterday was so quiet and rainy. I had to work, but the day was different. I sat through a 3 hr. class on a major brand of skin care. It wasn't boring, but I was sleepy and it was rainy and I hadn't had enough coffee. Then I did 2 haircuts, barely speaking to the poor clients, I felt so laid back and sleepy. Then I went to lunch with a friend. At least we both were subdued. I'd hate to be a wet blanket if someone were in high spirits. After a pleasant lunch, I went back for a few hours of "scizzing". I hardly felt I worked.

That feeling of being subdued and quiet has carried over into today. I even feel a bit withdrawn. Hubby and I had an emotional talk last night and while no one is angry, I find myself tentative. Wanting to go inside myself and be very small. Leave the barest imprint today as I live this day. A bit improbable as I have a full schedule today and really need to gear up to be "all things to all people". But... I have this moment, this moment where I am alone with my thoughts. My quiet place.

A Little "Peace" of Quiet

I alternately love and hate people in general. I could never completely go without human contact. I'm too social. But sometimes...sometimes I get my fill. Today is one of those days. This week was jammed to the gills with noise, commotion, activity, schedules to be kept, and issues to be dealt with. Just because today is my "day off" doesn't mean it stopped. There was conflict to be dealt with. Some was mine personally. Some belonged to others and I was dealt the "what do you think about..." position. Generally considered being caught in the middle. I try to listen objectively and see both sides. But why, if it's not my conflict, why do I feel icky? Maybe because I don't like conflict to begin with. I hate confrontation. I have to do it sometimes because it's the healthy thing to do and it takes care of issues that would go unresolved, it realigns when someone is off the beaten path. But I don't like being at odds with someone. I'm a people pleaser. I know I can't please everyone, but I try. Granted, there are days when the other side of me rares up and says, "you know what, I don't care. That's the way it is, the way I feel and that's the end of it. Take it or leave it." But then I fret. Was I rude? Came across too strongly? This will pass and I will be fine. Right now, the house is quiet. My girl is napping and my hubby has kindly and considerately gone outside for his own "peace" of quiet and left me to my thoughts. I need that. I regularly need times when I am alone. I'm not alone now, but at least there is no urgent input being poured forth from anyone. Thank God.
O.K. now let me concentrate on enjoying this weekend. I have no firm plans. Run on Saturday. After that, do a client's hair for her daughter's wedding. Then...? The usual. Try to motivate myself to clean, wash clothes and balance that with personal things I'd like to do. Time with the family. A movie? Hmm. So many options.