Tuesday, June 22, 2010

If Self Loathing Could Be Raised to an Art Form


The word makes me cringe. Only because I lack so much.

Do you ever just step outside yourself and take a good, long look at who you've become. Yeah, I try not to, either.

But today I did.

Frustrated by the many good things I want to do...and don't, mostly because of a lack of discipline.

Writing, painting, running, homemaking, gardening, cooking, knitting...blogging... I have so many interests, yet it seems that all I can accomplish is going to work and spending a few short minutes/hours with the family in the evening.

If I do find time to devote to my pursuits, I find myself meandering around getting ready to do it until I actually run out of time to do it.

I look at men and women who lived 40-60 years ago and didn't have the advantages or shortcuts I have today, yet they accomplished so much. (Maybe because, many of my advantages have turned into more distraction than anything...)

I envy those who are driven by their creativity.Those who create almost compulsively. I have just enough creativity to make me crazy. I want to create, then, if I have opportunity, I sit like a lump wondering what to do and where to start. If I happen to have an original, creative thought, it usually arrives at the most inopportune time. Like when I'm in the middle of working.

You want to know when I find myself the most motivated?
When I either get disgusted enough, or guilty enough with myself. "Ooooh, haven't been running or exercised in 3 days! Aaaand you're not eating well! You're thickening up there! Better move it!" *Cue guilty panic.*

"Just do it." Says the now cliche advertising tag line.

Some days, that's easier said than done.


Mary said...

I hear you on this!
I am not very diciplined, and I hate that word!!!

I am learning that is not a dirty word!!! :)

I do have to say if you are working a full day, and coming home to family activities, it may be you are just a wee bit tired!!!

Don't be so hard on yourself.

When you have some time, just start flinging paint around, it might spark something.

hepsmom said...

I think you have a link directly to my brain. UGH. Good going on your run this a.m.!

NIfty thrifty Me! said...

Wow! You just took the words out of my mouth! I am SO there with you! However, I constantly tell myself "it's a wonderful life" over and over again! Positive outlook helps when you’re down on yourself.