Today is the day.

Four years ago today, I was blessed with the most precious little girl. It was a blessing I never thought I would enjoy.

After being married for 15 years and not using any form of birth control for 13 of those years, I thought I couldn't get pregnant. I never tried fertility options or checked into adoption largely because of the cost, and I just always felt that if God wanted me to have a baby, he would give me one. I'm certainly not against those methods, I think they have been wonderful opportunities for woman to become mothers.

After feeling guilty because I hadn't had a GYN exam in, oh, who knows how long, I spoke with one of my clients who worked at the office I visit and asked her if they could examine me if I were on my cycle because I was feeling as if I would start at any time. She asked my symptoms which were tender breasts and crampiness. She said she didn't want to get my hopes up, but those were also symptoms of pregnancy. I've never had regular cycles, so that never occurred to me.

As I drove up to the building the day of my appointment, I thought, "O.K. God thy will be done."
I peed, weighed and waited. My friend, along with a nurse came and got me and said she wanted to talk to me before I went back. I thought, "Oh, boy." She said she wanted to be the first to tell me that I was pregnant! After arguing with her for a couple of minutes, (no way, are you kidding, etc.) I waited for the doctor. I don't remember much else from that visit. They gave me the "proof positive" as it were and I began thinking of how to tell my husband who had no clue of any of this.

When I got home that night, he was fixing himself something to eat so he could watch t.v. and seemed a little impatient when I asked him to sit down with me a minute. I put the positive test on the table and said:
"do you know what that is?"
" a pregnancy test?"
"mhmm"
"Is it yours?"
"mhmm"
"Oh my goodness!"
"mhmmm!"
We cried and laughed together and thanked God for this miracle.

It's been an eventful fiveish years since. (I'm counting that nearly year of pregnancy) I was on bedrest for about half of my pregnancy, out of work for six months. We had no income. Little disability, but thank God for what we had. I was the primary breadwinner as my husband had just started his own business. It was hard. Hard. But... we didn't lose our house or either vehicle. I had no insurance but was able to get Medicaid. We made it. It's been very challenging to catch up, but we did it and although our marriage has weathered some storms as well during this time, we are learning so much and gaining strength and experience as we go. There are times I want to throw in the towel and just stop trying because it's too hard, but I feel more strongly that my girl needs two parents and that drives me to try harder and learn to love my husband unconditionally.
Again.
Today.