Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Life, Gurgle, Gurgle


You name it, it's overwhelming me.

I realize that I'm just going through feelings of inadequacy right now and I need to recognize them for what they are: changeable as the wind-- feelings.

Sometimes it feels the world is going to fly apart in a million pieces.

O.K. My world is already in a million pieces. A world where carpets are half torn out, cats are throwing up, toddlers are rebelling and husbands are as stubborn and strong minded as I am. But somehow, I juggle it and keep it all aloft. I'm successful at many things, but when I'm on the inside looking out, I feel it's all a mirage; a carefully crafted scene for the world (who is on the outside looking in) to see.

I wonder if a lot of people are that way; creating mirages so others think everything is hunky-dory. I especially wonder that on days when I want someone else's life. "They" obviously have it together. Bills paid, house organized, marriage blissful (always)... I create perfect little life scenes for them to escape my imperfections.

When I grow overwhelmed, my facade crumbles. I drive to work sitting up very straight as if by holding myself so, I can hold my world together. I overcompensate my loss of control (of things I have no control over in the first place) by becoming bossy and in charge in tiny things that don't really matter. I'm this way at work mostly, where: "I say who, I say when, I say how much."

I hate when I get like this. I, the eternal optimist. The one with the can-do philosophy. I think (truth be told) the reason I get so out of sorts when life piles up on top of me, is the fact that there is no quick fix. And I'm a fixer par excellence'. I love fixing whether it's a bad haircut, a leaky faucet or your life. I'm a fixer.

Fortunately, after a couple of days, my vision shifts again, I get a second wind and I find myself breathing more normally and realizing it will even out...eventually.

1 comment:

HeyJules said...

"I wonder if a lot of people are that way; creating mirages so others think everything is hunky-dory."

I think that every single time I hear one person say, "How's it going?" and the other person smiles and says, "Fine!"

You'll be fine, too... :-)