Transparency

I think of heaven, but imagine how I want heaven to be.

Sometimes, my perception of other people's lives are how I picture a sort of heaven. Maybe it's just my concept of what I wish my idealistic life was like...

I picture myself living the life of a freewheeling, bohemian (minus the drugs and indiscriminate sex) artist in the country somewhere. I probably live a real life version of that in my actual life, but I feel so inhibited.

What would I be like if I were single?

That's probably a rather dangerous trail to think about. Perhaps at this point in my life, I feel a bit of sorrow over the fact that I've never lived as a single woman. I've always been tied to someone...parents and now husband. My independence gets in the way a lot now that it's blossomed into full flower. I have to squelch it because I can't live purely to my own pleasure, I'm married, not to mention have a child. I scratch and grab at moments to string together to call my own. I feel guilty and desperate all at once.

Sometimes, I wish I were alone and then I'm scared to death that God will punish me for thinking that by making it so.

All of these thoughts are incredibly selfish, (I take this luxury in expressing them here) but how can I be less so?