Half a Day Mayhem

Morning.

Thinking I have to be at work later.

Finding out I have to be there earlier.

Discovering a deluge of rain has begun.

Remembering the umbrella is at work.

Thankful for rain boots as I RUN two blocks through the rain.

Saying an unexpected hello to the State Board Inspector.

Ditto to the expired license. (Whoops.)

Telling a client they can't have the appointment they want because it's in my lunch hour.

Realizing lunch hour can be shifted.

Making a client very happy once brain kicks into gear.

What a crazy morning!

Remembering the Poor and Neglected...and That's About as Far as I've Gotten

Oh blog, how I've missed you.

There has honestly been no extra time to pay you the attention you deserve.

Or me for that matter.

Remembering to just breathe.

Sometimes, even that is a tall order.

Funny...I Never Thought of Taxes as "Fancy"

Spring

when a girl's fancy turns to

trying to

CATCH UP

a year's worth of tax information

and get it to the accountant.

Snow "Clothes"

Since I live in the south, I don't see snow much. (Read: ever) So seeing snow this past weekend has filled me with a bit of wonder. I've looked back over my photos and am struck with how snow changes a landscape. It covers imperfections; softening them, making them beautiful.

It reminds me of Christ and His righteousness.

I look at myself...I'm rough, imperfect and incapable of changing myself. But Christ's death on the cross changes my landscape. His righteousness clothes me, washing my sins "white as snow" (Isaiah 1:18).

When I see my whole front yard covered in snow I think of Isaiah 43:25 which says: “I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins.

When I look at the tree branches, once stark and naked, now draped in snowy robes, I think of Isaiah 61:10 which states, "I am overwhelmed with joy in the LORD my God! For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness. I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit or a bride with her jewels."

I'm so glad that God uses His creation to remind us of Himself! (Romans 1:20)

I've Discovered Who I REALLY Am...

I've always had a cat (or three) around. For me, they are easier to care for than a dog who just seems needier. (I love dogs too, don't get me wrong, BUT...)

And the funny thing is, each cat has their own personality, but it's always some combination of:

Aloof.

Independent.

Affectionate.

Bossy.

Coy.

Sulky.

Cuddly.

Oh my gosh.

I think I'm a cat.

Speaking to My Heart

In the past few years, I've discovered Stampington Publishing. If you love creativity and artistic expression, go over and sift through their magazine offerings. Their product is professional and high quality.

One of my "must-haves" is Artful Blogging which unlocks and opens the door to many creative bloggers that I would have never found just trolling through the internet on my own.

In the current winter issue, while soaking up the inspiration laid out among the pages, I came across an article about Carmen Torbus and her blog called, Distracted by Design.

Part of the article was a partial post from her blog--a poem. As I read it, I realized it spoke exactly what I feel.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Feeling Tender and Vulnerable

by Carmen Torbus

Sometimes I sit and dream.

I think of all the things I'd like to do.

I put off the stuff that needs to be done

trading that time for daydreams.

Thinking of conversations I'd like to have,

with old friends,

current friends and

with friends I've not yet made.

Wondering where the other people like me are.

How do I find them?

How do I connect?

I long to sit and laugh,

sip coffee, or hot cocoa, or tea,

while making a mess with art supplies,

or just chatting about nothing in particular,

or the meaning of life itself.

Deep conversations,

light conversations,

no conversation,

just being.

I don't want to just be a dreamer,

I want to be a doer.

I want to paint.

I want to write.

I want to take pictures.

I want to talk.

I want to listen.

I want to have a tribe of my own,

and be a part of the tribe of others.

I want to be a part of something bigger.

Something good.

Something powerful.

Make a contribution to the world.

Somethimes I think it's me that gets in my way.

Is it fear that stops me?

Lack of belief?

Lack of motivation or energy?

Lack of work?

I sit back and watch others do what I know in my heart

I can do too.

Sometimes envious, or jealous, wondering what the

secret is.

Wishing I could know what they know,

I cheer them on

Pat them on the back.

Encourage

Congratulate

Sit in awe of.

Recognizing their potential,

their strength,

their capabilities,

their talent,

their accomplishments.

What is the missing piece?

How do I reach my full potential,

my strength,

my capabilities,

my talent,

so that I can realize and accomplish my dreams,

and contribute.

I suppose I'm not alone in my desires,

my dreams,

my paralysis.

I suppose the only way to find out is to "do" while

continuing to dream.

I suppose I don't have to know how, I just have to start.

(used by permission)

See the original post here.

My Life is Thus

I run.

On the one hand, this is great. I've been getting exercise and working at being consistent. I've run 3 miles, two weekends in a row and am feeling quite smug and self-satisfied. During the week, I'm working on a MWF running routine with weights on TTh. Sounds reasonable, eh?

The second aspect of running has to do with life in general. Weekday mornings start with my early morning jaunt to the gym, then the "game" of beat the clock begins. Rousting a child from bed, packing her lunch, breakfast, clothes, teeth brushing and practically shoving her and her dad out the door to school feels like a day's work in itself! Usually there's a small window of time left to get myself ready and to work. I'm growing frustrated/coming to terms with the fact that other things I love/enjoy have fallen to the bottom of the priority list.

Every now and again, I'll snatch at something I love (like blog writing) grabbing a small piece and wondering how long it will be before I get a more satisfying creative meal.

Until then..

This I Do for Me

I have fretted and fretted over my blog recently. I haven't seemed to have the time, resources or inspiration to post recently. I feel like I've posted just enough to maybe string some readers along. I've felt guilty for not updating because I feel an obligation to my blog. And to the readers, maybe?

I figured if I couldn't do a "proper" post, I just wouldn't post at all.

I long to be inspirationally artistic like Teesha. Consistent and relevant like Inthefastlane. (Love her most recent "I am" post.) Engaging like Mabel's House. Sweetly industrious like Posy Gets Cozy. Witty like I Should Be Folding Laundry. My list of comparison is endless. It's like I'm in high school again.

I had an insight into myself this morning.

My husband has said it before: "You're an all or nothing kind of person."

I totally get it.

So, I've decided. This blog is for me. Oh, I really want you to share it with me, and I love receiving comments, but I gotta get back to the freedom of blogging. Blogging what interests me, no matter how small, or unfortunately, infrequent, a post it may be.

Wishes...

That pretty much describes how I feel today.

Unfortunately, that's not how the day is going...

Le' sigh

The Man in the Marriage

My husband and I are firstborns. If you know anything about birth order, I can stop right there. If you aren't familiar with this concept, just know that both of us are convinced of our rightness in any given situation and compromise is a foreign addition to our vocabulary.

It makes marriage challenging and often messy.

I marvel that we are still together after 23 years of marriage. I must admit to times of fantasizing of living life apart; thinking it would make my life so much simpler and peaceful.

But occasionally, I catch a glimpse of the reason I stay married this man.

We were putting our girl to bed. As is our usual custom, we/she read a story from her Children's Bible. The story was about Jesus walking on water. We were imagining how He did that. That sparked a scientific conversation about water striders and surface tension.

As he expounded, I realized in a flash--this man has so much knowledge. Knowledge that has long since leaked out of my brain.

Later, I was lying in bed and my reading was accompanied by the sounds of Hubby playing the piano and singing.

Tears sprang to my eyes as I realized that, while I may be a very capable woman, I am not the end all, be all.

And there is no reason why I should try.

My husband adds so much to my life. Sometimes, so much more than I ask.

But. He completes me.

A Lesson

It's Monday and my thoughts are a jumble.

My mind is a battlefield. Positive thoughts fighting for frequency with dark, worrisome thoughts.

I'm trying to remember to "let the peace of God rule and reign in my heart" and that "the Lord is my refuge, my rock, in Him will I trust".

I'll be on vacation next week.

You'd think I'd be over the moon, but all I can think is that I will go a whole week with no income. As a hairdresser, I only get paid for the work I do.

It's stupid, really, to be fretting over that. I look back to 6 years ago at this time when I was on strict bedrest with my pregnancy. At the time, mine was the only income--and it was non-existent. In all, we went 6 months with no income except for disability--- it took FOREVER to get paid--- and because of God's grace and mercy, we lived through it without losing our cars and house.

This whole scenario reminds me that I want control of my life. I want things planned, laid out neatly and comfortably. While I do need to plan things like our finances better and more efficiently, I can't rely totally on my ability. It is not up to me to provide for our family. It's up to my Father God to take care of us.

"Behold, God is my salvation;

I will trust, and will not be afraid;

for the LORD God is my strength and my song,

and he has become my salvation." Isaiah 12:2

Living Life 30 Minutes At the Time

*SIGH*

That about sums it up for me right now.

I find myself distracting myself with inane things, raising procrastination to a fine art.

I'm tired.

I'm burnt out.

I'm overwhelmed just thinking of all that needs to be done and frustrated that I can't get it done quickly.

I'm very impatient.

I find myself with the mindset of "let's get this done and get on to the next thing". Perhaps my job feeds that mindset. Every 30 minutes, I'm doing a color or a haircut. My job is wonderful. I love the variety and creativity of it.

But real life is not always that interesting.

There are projects around my house that are more mundane and won't be done handily in a 30 minute window.

Neither, apparently, will they be done in the space of a weekend.

I've found that a weekend holds just enough time to "get ready" to do a project, but not enough time to actually complete anything.

So I'm gearing up for...HOUSE CAMP '09.

This year for vacation I will accomplish several things--I hope.

1. Rest. No getting up at the crack of dawn and scrambling to the gym and then on through my day.

2. Plan. Map out the projects I have and break them down into manageable sections. (Preferably in 30 minute windows.)

3. Progress. Be able to look back at the end of the week and feel good at what's been accomplished.

4. PLAY. REMEMBER THAT I'M ON VACATION, FOR PETE'S SAKE!!

Now I'm going to go figure out how to procrastinate my procrastinating!

Free To Fail

Heard something interesting in church yesterday.

I was encouraged to fail.

Being "free to fail" can be liberating. I tend to be cautious in so many areas; because I want to do things well (read perfectly) I tend to put off things. To the point of never doing them.

But I really saw where I could apply the concept in my art.
I want to paint. Craft. Create.

But do I?

Sometimes. But I have a hard time translating my concepts through my fingertips. I watch other artist seemingly slap color on a page adding layer after layer of writing and emphamera and creating a visually rich piece of art. Art journalling, it's called.

Why can't I let myself go and do this?

I'm afraid I'll fail. That it will be a muddy illegible mess.

WHO CARES?!

BUT. It means so many positive things came before that.....

I started, began, gave it a shot, tried, endeavored, experimented, attempted, tackled, aimed, strived....

And there is no failure in that.

They Had Easter Without Me.

This has perhaps been the my most unusual Easter to date.

I woke up this morning with a general feeling of malaise. Since my mind was on the cross of Christ, I imagined a cross shape in my head; my stuffy ears and sinuses intersecting with the soreness of my throat.

Perhaps the best thing for me was laying around on the couch all day surrounded by blankets and pillows, reading material and my laptop. I got off the couch long enough to eat odd pairings of things occasionally. Like a cheese and jelly sandwich, an egg sandwich, and an apple filled with cinnamon and brown sugar. With a slice of cheese on top. Oh, and macaroni and cheese crackers. (Throughout the day...not all in one sitting!)

I found some great blogs and sites like:
Craft Gossip
Blog Catalog
Artsy Mama
The Crafty Apple (she's a cutie-love her headband in her profile pic!)
gibbous fashion advante garde fashion. Incredibly cool.

And because a friend asked me to write a poem for her for a book she's working on, I discovered (much to my relief) RhymeZone rhyming dictionary and thesaurus.

I did manage to wash the inside of a few of my windows in a carry over from yesterday's spring cleaning. My husband had an obligation come up Saturday morning that took him till early afternoon. Then he took our girl to Books a Million. (She loves playing with Thomas the Train.) They left around 5 and were gone a scant two hours. She decided she was much too excited about dyeing eggs to have much time for Thomas that night.

Sigh.

I made some progress. I guess I must be satisfied with what I did accomplish and not dwell on what still needs to be done.

It is what it is.

Company's coming.

Ready or not.

Is There a Hospitality Gene that I Missed?

So, I need to figure out how to get rid of my husband and daughter.

I don't think I need to contact the mafia, however...

I just want to clean the house.

I found out that my brother in law and his family are coming into town next weekend.

Yesterday, I began panicking. The good news is: I toook a few deep breaths (people say it helps, but I think it's overrated) and I'm not panicking anymore.

I've advanced to...

FULL FREAK OUT MODE!!

4?!

I circle the number like a wrestler gauging his foe, contemplating it's magnitude.



It has honestly not occured to me to even consider 4 because I've been so focused on my accomplishment. I mean, running 3 miles is major for a non-runner like me.



4?!



Honestly, FastLane! Are you kidding me? You're going to make a runner of me yet!!!

ALERT THE MEDIA

So yesterday, I mosey up to the gym; amazed that it was not packed with New Year resoluters hot to trot.



I jumped on the treadmill and decided to see how long I could run. Feeling optimistic, I started off at an easy jog. I usually walk a few minutes and then run a few minutes increasing my pace each time I run. This time, instead of walking, I kept running as I increased and slowed my pace.



Honestly, I ran faster to cover more acreage more quickly. (Like you can cover acreage on a treadmill...) Before I knew it a mile had flown by and once I got to 2 miles I sorely (pun intended) wanted to call it a day. But I figured if I could get to 2 miles, what was one more?



Well, whaddaya know?!



I ran 3 miles and no one was surprised--except me.



See, I'm not a runner. I've always hated running and said if you saw me running, look to see who's chasing me. My husband ran regularly when we first got married and encouraged me to run with him. I didn't think I could run and would always beg off.



After waking up one day and finding middle-age breathing down my neck, I decided to see if I could out run it. So I got a personal trainer who helps keep me accountable and helps motivate me. I also have a friend who began running and she really has been my inspiration in her consistency and determination. We hardly ever run together, but I follow her updates like a lovesick fan. If it weren't for her, I probably wouldn't be considering running as seriously as I do now.



Which leads me to consider...we all influence/inspire each other. Whether we are aware of it or not.



Who are you? The inspiring or the inspired?

Will This Be The Year?

Will it be this year?

Will this be the year that I accomplish the dreams I hope and wish for daily?

Will this be the year that I "get the lead out" and get things done that I have procrastinated over thus far?

Will we have our financial house in order by the end of this year?

Will there be a difference in me as a person? What spiritual lessons will I learn?

I'm sailing from the harbor. I've charted my course, but I have no idea if storms may blow me off my carefully planned itinerary.

But I'm looking to the horizon as 2009 begins.

Let's go!

Happiness...Don't Buy into it.

So I'm sitting here, minding my own business, listening to internet radio while weaving tails into my (finally) finished scarves, (more about those later...maybe.) when I hear a commercial for Wal-Mart.
A woman's well modulated voice filters over the air waves... "Making them happy..." a young girl's voice pipes up saying, "oh, I love it!", and the woman finishes with "...that's what I want for Christmas."

I am disturbed by the innuendo that you can buy a child's happiness with a Christmas present.

Hold on a minute while I drag my soapbox over here. You might want to get comfortable...

Now before I go off on a tear here, may I interject that I am NOT anti-gift giving. By no means. I love Christmas. I love the anticipation of what special gifts Christmas may bring.

It just makes me so crazy that there are people out there who still think that giving kids (and not just kids) lots of presents for Christmas will make for a meaningful Christmas! They think that they need lots of stuff to open on Christmas and/or spend a boatload of money on one "big" gift.

And the incredible thing is, they set themselves up for it every year by beginning the season with the age old question..." What do you want for Christmas?" Which, in my mind, teaches our children to think: "how much can we milk our parents and grandparents for this year?"

It has occurred to me as I look at our present economic situation that in our attempt to create our own happiness, we have created our misery. Because that "gimme" attitude is not limited to Christmas. And it's not limited to children.

We are selfish, self-centered creatures. Funny how that's not a behavior that has to be taught.

I wonder what would happen if we spent one Christmas not thinking about what we would get, but what we would give?

There are several ways to practice the discipline of thinking of others by giving to others. There's Operation Christmas Child, Angel Tree, and Toys for Tots to name a very few.

How about starting in your own home? Get children involved in picking out other family member's gifts. Have them make something of their own creation for grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles and cousins. (Not to mention mom and dad.)

Why not nurture your own creativity and resourcefulness? What could you make or do for someone that would be more meaningful than a mass produced gift that you're hoping they like?

Who knows?

You might actually find some happiness along the way...

To Nap or Not to Nap

Thankfully, my husband and I have overall the same views on parenting.

Unless we're talking about whether or not our girl should take a nap.

He feels she should definitely take a nap and if that happens at 4 pm, that's fine. One day this week, she was getting up from a nap at 5:30 pm. Since hubby stays home with her, he craves a bit of quiet time during the day and a nap is his only hope.

I feel she should go to her room and be on her bed for a couple of hours. If she sleeps, great. If not, we'll put her to bed a little earlier. I think at 5 years old, she doesn't always have to have a nap. I think if she does nap, that she should sleep no later than 4 pm so it doesn't interfere with putting her to bed in the evening.

The challenge in having two firstborns in a marriage is that when differences of opinions arise, each is full convinced of the rightness of their opinion. And nobody budges. I've worked hard to get him in my camp. I've laid out the facts matter of factly. I've argued hotly. I've gotten mad. All to no avail. We still butt heads on this issue.

Last night, as we were again fervently discussing the situation, I wondered why I care so much about this. Is it so important for me to be right that I want to sacrifice my relationship with my husband? Marriage is challenging enough without making issues more important than they need to be.

So I'm going to (attempt to) chill out. If our girl is up till 11 or 12 at night occasionally, so be it. She'll fall asleep eventually. I'm grateful for a husband who is willing to stay home with her full time.

And I firmly believe I'm right about that.